Four years (less one month) ago, we got married.
On our one month anniversary we found out that we were expecting our first baby!
Eight months later, we were holding him in our arms.
I nursed Baby Dean for fourteen months and then weaned him.
A week later, I got pregnant with Sammy.
Nine months later, another baby for us to hold in our arms.
And another baby to breastfeed.
Do you notice a trend?
I’ve either had a baby growing inside of me or latched to me for four years. Four long, exhausting, exhilarating, amazing years.
I have loved nourishing my babies and watching them grow, both inside the womb and out. They’ve amazed me in so many ways. I never knew it could be such a roller coaster of emotions.
But it’s ended. The ride has finished and it’s time to shut it down to make room for a new ride.
A couple of weeks ago, for the sake of Sammy and myself, I stopped nursing.
There’s so much guilt, even still, about not nursing him to one year or beyond. About how I couldn’t make that sacrifice to give him the best source of nutrition. About how nursing him sometimes made my skin crawl because I was so touched-out that I needed space but I needed to feed him. I had issues with my supply. I stressed about amounts when pumping. I was close to tears at some moments thinking that our time nursing was coming to an end. It was a constant up and down of celebrating the end and mourning a loss.
But I no longer get frustrated when he decides to nurse for two seconds and then stop, only to want more a minute later. I no longer feel like I am constantly being mauled between snuggles, hugs, carrying and nursing. I feel it’s strengthened our bond, not made it weak.
I still get morning snuggles (since the little twerp doesn’t sleep and I am in there from the early hours of the morning) and I soak up his hugs whenever I can get him to slow down. Both my boys love their snuggles.
I loved breastfeeding my babies. I loved being the provider of comfort and warmth and nutrients for them. I know I’ll still be that, but it will be different at the same time.
It’s a sad but joyous moment in my journey of motherhood. ❤
(And with the end of breastfeeding, begins the start of my lifestyle change now that I am not needing those extra calories…. More about that soon!)
**As I don’t want my personal photos of my children, breastfeeding, online (for their privacy, not because of the images themselves) I decided to, instead, include baby photos of my little precious beans ❤ ❤ **