Top Five Reasons I Bring My Young Children Out Of The House

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Saying hello to his snail friend

1. To help you slow down and enjoy the little things in life
I bring my littles out so that you have to slow down during your power walk, in order to go around them, without tripping over the strategically placed speed bumps, as they watch a worm wiggle his way out of the ground.

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Taking over IKEA!

2. To allow you to appreciate silence
What? You don’t find the train bridge exciting enough to have a freak-out-fit, including jumping, screaming and lots of laughs?
After a ten minute skytrain ride with my children, you’ll enjoy any bit of silence in the near future. You’re welcome.

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Never a dull (or quiet) moment with these two!

3. To give you downtime
It’s pretty hard to try having that business conversation on the bus when my oldest child is begging to play I Spy the. entire. fifteen. minute. ride. And my youngest? Begging to come out of the stroller in the jam packed bus that is elbow to elbow full. Don’t bother trying to have your phone call. Just put your phone away. You will no longer have to yell overtop of the noise of the train and everyone on board in order to be heard by the person you were talking to.

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The see me rollin’, they hatin’. Patrolling they tryin’ to catch me ridin’ dirty.

4. To give you an excuse to get your bitch-face on.
I’m sorry that I enjoy Starbucks. I’m sorry that my youngest hasn’t mastered the skill of eating on the go and that we need to sit down to enjoy our snack. But most of all, I am sorry that my boys sat and ate quietly and didn’t give you a valid reason for the glares you sent our way when we first walked in the doors.

And the final reason I bring my young kids out…

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Yuck! Keep your germs to yourself, sir!

5. To build up your immunity
Kids, even while not sick, carry nasty germs. Be careful that you don’t get too close. I’ll be sure to keep him from breathing near you…. After all, I don’t want him to catch your douchbaggery.

 

 

 

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Murphy’s Law of Parenting

1. Wear a black shirt, they will wipe their nose on you. Wear white, they will throw up all over you.

2. Boast about your sleeping children and they will never nap again.

3. You’ll overpack for an outing (what do you mean we don’t need two changes of clothes and a weeks worth of meals for an hour trip to the playground?!) but you’ll forget something simple like diapers.

4. On mornings you don’t have nothing planned and want to sleep in, they wake early. On mornings you need get everyone up and out the door at a reasonable time, they will sleep in until noon.

5. You close the bathroom door and suddenly OMG I NEED HELP MOMMY will ring out from the other side as you sit on the toilet.

6. If you stay up an extra hour, they will wake four times during the night.

7. Fevers and suspected ear infections will happen on a Friday at 6pm. Before a long weekend.

8. Your kids will scream, cry, whine and beg for constant attention, causing you to ditch any and all household items you hoped to accomplish. And they will be perfect angels ten seconds until daddy gets home, making you seem like a liar about how hard the day was.

9. Baby will fall asleep as you pull into the driveway.

10. If you can get baby from the car to the bed, without waking up, he will wake from a car horn two blocks away.

11. Flus and ear infections will strike when you’re hours away from heading to the airport.

12. You will buy a swing, bouncy seat, play mat and any other imaginable “babysitter” in the hopes of allowing you five minutes of hands free time. But baby will still insist on only sleeping in your arms. While you bounce. And rock. And sway. While standing on one foot and singing the ABC’s backwards. In Spanish.

13. Your first will hate the Bumbo seat with a passion. You’ll grow to hate it, too. You’ll sell it and be thrilled to get it out of your house. Your second baby will try it out at a drop in and LOVE the crap out of it…

14. Baby, who isn’t a spitter-upper, will wait until the day you lay them on the couch for 1.35 seconds without a blanket under them to take the chance to projectile spit across four couch cushions.

15. You have a busy day and you’ve caved and told your toddler he can watch an episode of SuperWhy! (hey, it’s educational, right?!) and BAM. Netflix will be down.

16. The dog will decide to bark at NOTHING moments after baby goes down for a nap. And again once baby goes back to sleep.

17. When you put toys they no longer use into storage, they will suddenly search EVERYWHERE trying to find it.

18. You spend all week hyping up your weekend adventure you have planned for the family… And suddenly a tropical storm blows in and there’s a rain warning for the entire weekend and you can no longer do what you have planned.

19. Illnesses will always strike on long weekends. Especially those with fun events like Easter, Family Day and Canada Day.

20. A five minute craft will take ten minutes to set up and sixty minutes to clean up.

 

Do you have any to add?